Top 10 Musical Hemorrhoids

 

Okay, a hemorrhoid treatment or bleeding hemorrhoids may not be a common inspiration for musicians. But the fact is, for some it is. What's more, hemorrhoids also have plagued composers and performers ever since people first banged two rocks together and counted to four.

  • 10. THEY'RE A ROCK BAND

    Ladies and gentlemen put your hands - er, cheeks - er, no, hands together for the pride of Lawrence, Kansas, The Hemorrhoids! Their mothers must be so proud...

  • The Hemorrhoids' "Cold Black Heart" on YouTube

    • 9. THEY'RE PART OF A SONG LYRIC

      Leave it to Frank Zappa to write a song about, among other things, a groupie's hemorrhoids. Hey, at least it's not the only subject of the song. (See No 5.)

    • 8. THEY'RE PART OF A T-SHIRT FOR A PHONY ROCK BAND

  • Hemorrhoid Jones and the Constipations T-Shirt on zazzle.com

    They're old, they're bold, they've been there. Let's hear it, folks, for the best band that never existed, Hemorrhoid Jones and the Constipations!

  • Hemorrhoid Jones and the Constipations T-Shirt on zazzle.com

    • 7. BLEEDING HEMORRHOIDS MADE AT LEAST ONE CLASSICAL COMPOSER MISERABLE

      Consider this diary entry from the great Giacomo Meyerbeer from 1851: "Friday 23 May. I suffered all day from a cramping, diarrhetic condition that affected me badly, as did back and side pains. I suspect that these symptoms, which so often recur, are a sign of hemorrhoids." Ouch.

    • 6. MAKE THAT TWO CLASSICAL COMPOSERS

      Not much progress had been made on hemorrhoid treatment when, about a half-century later, Gustav Mahler had them, too.  "(1900) also brought Mahler's resignation from the (Vienna) Philharmonic and a frightening hemorrhoid-related incident in which he lost a great deal of blood."

    • 5. SOMEBODY ACTUALLY WROTE A WHOLE SONG ABOUT HEMORRHOIDS

      His name is Peter Cross. He's a folk musician whose fans request this song, a lot. If they were suffering from hemorrhoids, they probably wouldn't. The lyrics are on his site so you can sing along! Oh boy!

    • 4. ACCORDING TO THIS PRODUCT REVIEW, HEMORRHOIDS ARE A REAL PROBLEM FOR DRUMMERS

      Think about it. All that sitting. All that dramatic drum pounding. All that constipating bar food. Hemorrhoid-deterrent seating seems like a godsend.

    • 3. OKAY, THIS ARTICLE CONFIRMS IT.

      You can believe it, too - it's written by a drummer who's a doctor. Or a doctor who's a drummer. He has some good tips for treating hemorrhoids, too.

    • 2. BEYONCE'S LITTLE SISTER TWEETED THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL "HEMORRHOID"

  • Solange Knowles' Tweet

    Solange would probably not make it to the second round of the spelling bee.  (And if she needed hemorrhoid treatment, she probably wouldn't want to sit down when she lost.) 

  • Solange Knowles' Tweet

    • 1. HEMORRHOID OINTMENT FIGURES PROMINENTLY IN A JIMMY BUFFETT NOVEL

      Jimmy Buffet’s "Where is Joe Merchant"

      Check out the details of one of Jimmy's recent books, "Where is Joe Merchant?"  A rock star goes missing and his "hemorrhoid-ointment heiress" sister wants to know for sure if he's dead. We can't make this stuff up, folks - Jimmy Buffett already did.

      Jimmy Buffet's "Where is Joe Merchant"


You could be singing a whole new tune with the right hemorrhoid treatment

Even if you can't keep a beat, carry a tune or sing "Happy Birthday" without having people beg you to stop, you're just as likely to suffer from hemorrhoids as the most musically inclined. There are thousands of medical, natural and traditional methods available that deal with everything from mild discomfort to bleeding hemorrhoids. Find out more about one of the most effective treatments for hemorrhoids available.  And that's not just whistling Dixie.

 

 

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