From Backside Bacon Grease to Rectal Radishes:
34 Folk Remedies for Hemorrhoids

Talk about your pain in the butt. Since the beginning of time, humans have suffered from hemorrhoids. Through the centuries, we have devised countless natural and manmade ways to treat them. Some are absolutely fascinating. Others are…well, rather gross. While medical treatment for hemorrhoids is always recommended, we know that many of you would rather not talk to someone about your delicate condition. This explains why so many people create and use some amazing and downright bizarre methods in order to bring relief to their hemorrhoidal horrors.

Below are two lists of “hemorrhoid treatment home cures” that people have used with varying degrees of success. (We haven’t tried the bulk of these ourselves, so be careful.) If you are currently being treated for hemorrhoids, and you think you might like to try one of these remedies, be sure to speak with your doctor or a health care professional before you start, stop or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment.

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Hit ‘em Where it Hurts: External Hemorrhoid Treatment

When it comes to folk remedies and old family solutions, the direct treatment of hemorrhoids appears to be the most popular. If you have bleeding hemorrhoids, consult with a doctor before applying anything directly. A good number of these hemorrhoid treatment suggestions take advantage of natural astringent chemicals to shrink the tissue. Others…don’t.

  1. A six-inch wooden step: If you have one of those little six-inch stepstools around that Auntie Grizelda uses to reach the cooking sherry, steal it from her and place it in front of the toilet. Put your feet on the step when sitting on the toilet and put your elbows on your knees. This makes for easier elimination. You don’t have to push so hard. That puts less stress on your hemorrhoids and lessens the chance of making more.

  2. Aloe vera: Yes, the thing you use for sunburn is equally effective for bun burn. This is particularly good for treating bleeding hemorrhoids, as it is a natural healing agent.

  3. Apple cider vinegar: Apply directly to hemorrhoids. Of course it may sting. It’s vinegar! But people say it works.

  4. Water: But not just water water. Strained water through grated avocado seed and mixed with honey. Apply liberally to hemorrhoids with a cloth. (You didn’t think you’d get to drink it, did you?)

  5. Bacon grease: Yes, at least one person reports their hemorrhoids disappeared after one application of bacon grease. No report on which brand, and frankly, we really don’t want to know.

  6. Beet root juice: Old European hemorrhoid treatment. Apply directly. Apparently, hemorrhoids don’t like beets any more than most of us.

  7. Castor oil: Yes, this tired gag from 1930s “Little Rascals” movies works on hemorrhoids. Apply directly after going to the bathroom.

  8. Cayenne pepper: Okay, we KNOW what you’re thinking and you’re absolutely right. But people really do this: Mix with a water-soluble ointment (NOT Vaseline or other petroleum based products) and apply directly. Obviously, go easy with this; wash off and try another hemorrhoid treatment if you can’t take the heat.

  9. Corn starch or baby powder: Won’t really fix anything, but it can keep the hemorrhoids dry and make them much easier to endure.

  10. The Hippy-Dippy, essential oil approach: Combine 5 drops of cypress essential oil with 15 drops of geranium cypress oil, mixed well into the contents of a tube of lubricant gel. Apply directly and groove on the experience, man.

  11. Exercise and diet: 90% of all hemorrhoids could probably be avoided if you all ate better and exercised more. Not living in California is not an excuse for lack of exercise and eating bad food. This can cause constipation, which leads to straining, which causes hemorrhoids. The more you exercise and the better you eat, the less likely you are to be tempted to try some of these hemorrhoid treatment methods.

  12. Hot baths or showers: Hit the hot tub: hemorrhoids shrink naturally in the warm water.

  13. Mouthwash: Apply directly. May sting. A lot. Oddly enough, many people have reported positive results over time with this hemorrhoid treatment method. And who doesn’t want a butt with minty-fresh breath?

  14. Olive oil: Down, Popeye. Apply directly to Hemorrhoids with a cotton swab.

  15. Raw potatoes: Grate potato and apply directly. We got this one from Eastern Europe, where they use potatoes for pretty much everything. Worth a try.

  16. Mentholated rub: Apply directly. Bravely.

  17. Witch Hazel: The most ancient and trusted chemical hemorrhoid treatment. Apply to area 2-3 times per day. Its astringent qualities make it the primary ingredient in many over-the-counter treatments.

  18. Zinc oxide: Good hemorrhoid treatment for pain; works similarly to how it treats diaper rash. You’ll smell like zinc, but really, do you care?

  19. The “Shove ‘em up your a**” approach: Several people have reported that by simply pushing the hemorrhoids back inside the anus, their pain is relieved until they emerge again. You might try this treatment first. Then if your ‘roids keep popping back out like an insane jack-in-the-box, you have 18 other ideas here alone.

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The Inside Tract – er, Track: Internal Hemorrhoid Treatment

The other common approach to hemorrhoid treatment is to ingest something for it – either by mouth or up the other way. This is often the only way to handle hemorrhoids that don’t come out in the open. Here are some common (and not-so-common) natural preparations that people have used successfully for treating their hemorrhoids. As you’ll see, what you put in your mouth for hemorrhoid treatment can go hand in hand with what you don’t want to eat.

  1. Black pepper corns: Swallow two or three corns in the morning and before bedtime. No need to chew; just take them like aspirin.

  2. Coffee enemas: May shrink internal hemorrhoids. Your local barista may know more about this. Order one up and ask for a “Grande.” That’ll make her day.

  3. Eat more fiber: High fiber diets discourage constipation. Eat whole grain breads, dark green vegetables, high fiber cereal, etc. Beer is NOT high fiber. Unless you put it on your green salad. Or your mini-wheats.

  4. Fiber capsules: Use these only if you can’t eat all the grain and vegetables that you should. If you want to use beer to wash them down, we can’t stop you. (Water is better, though.)

  5. Horse chestnut capsules: No, “horse chestnut” is not a euphemism. It’s a real nut. Take as directed. Do not use if you take blood thinners.

  6. Cayenne pepper: Similar to black pepper corns. Take three capsules with meals every day for a month and check your progress. Not recommended for bleeding hemorrhoids. If you’ve ever eaten really spicy food and lived through your next trip to the bathroom, you know why.

  7. Lecithin: Take as directed. Don’t use if you’re pregnant or nursing.

  8. Hippy-dippy approach number 2: Marigolds. Mix the yellow and green parts of the flowers with brown sugar. Eat with a glass of water. Just stay away from the brown acid, man.

  9. Rutin: Take one tablet (500 mg) before bed. We’re rootin’ for ya.

  10. The big DUH: Avoid spicy food and chocolate during a flare-up of hemorrhoids. Spicy food: no brainer. Chocolate: oddly enough, it causes itching, which you really don’t want when you have a hemorrhoid problem.

  11. Eat your vegetables! Your mom was right. In fact, go vegetarian for a few days. The fiber will do you good, clean you out and give those strained blood vessels a rest. Speaking of which…

  12. Radishes and turnips: Eat these in particular at all three meals. They’re great sources of vitamin C. On the other hand, avoid high-acid sources of vitamin C, such as orange juice.

  13. Avoid junk food or beef. The harder it is to pass, the harder it is on your a... uh, hemorrhoids.

  14. Drink more water. Start now. We’ll be here when you get back. People who drink lots of water (not beer) routinely report less trouble with hemorrhoids. Bottoms up!

  15. The only fast-acting system with prescription-strength ingredients we can safely recommend is this proven hemorrhoid treatment.

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If you have any hemorrhoid treatment methods that work for you but aren’t listed here, we’d love to hear about them. Don’t bother with pictures, though. We’ll take your word for it.